When we first embarked on our unschooling journey, I thought I was simply doing education different for my children. What I didn’t realise was that unschooling would become a radical act of deschooling not just our children, but ourselves, and not just in the area of education but throughout every aspect of our lives. Recently, I had a conversation with Amanda Diekman, author of “Low Demand Parenting,” that crystallised something I’ve been feeling for years: unschooling is less about education and more about reimagining how we connect and live together as human beings on the earth.
The Traditional Paradigm
The traditional paradigm tells us that our value is tied to productivity. We’re taught that children must conform, that parents must always know best, and that deviation from the norm is a problem to be solved.
Flipping the Script
But what if we flipped that script entirely? Radical acceptance is the heart of our unschooling philosophy. It means recognising that our children – and ourselves – are inherently worthy, exactly as we are. No achievements needed. No masks required. Just pure, unconditional acceptance. This looks like celebrating a child’s “no” as a powerful act of self-advocacy. It means understanding that when my child couldn’t brush their hair at eight, it wasn’t a failure – it was their nervous system communicating. It’s about trusting that they will develop skills when they’re ready, not when an arbitrary timeline suggests they should.
Now for the Radical Part
But here’s the radical part – this acceptance must extend to us. We cannot authentically offer our children grace if we’re not extending that same compassion to ourselves.
Practice Unlearning
Deschooling is a practice of unlearning – dropping the demands we place on ourselves, honouring our own capacity, and recognising that rest is not laziness, it’s necessary. For neurodivergent families especially, this approach isn’t just helpful – it’s survival. We’re interrupting generational patterns of shame, masking, and burnout. We’re creating a new culture of understanding where different isn’t just okay – it’s nurtured, embraced and welcomed.
Practical deschooling might look like:
- Checking in with your own capacity before pushing through tasks
- Modelling self-advocacy by asking for what you need
- Reframing “challenging” behaviours as communication
- Trusting that learning happens in a thousand unexpected ways
Our family isn’t perfect. Most days are messy. As I write this we are continuing a discussion about a proposed trip to the cinema. It is a discussion that we have been having on and off for about three weeks. Who wants to go? Who wants to sit with who? When is a good time of day? When are we all available?
One child wanted to go only with daddy. A second child wanted the same. The obvious solution is for daddy to go twice… but wait! One of the children has realised that then mummy is left out so they suggest that the four of us should all go together. This idea is rejected by the other child. Tensions are raised and the discussion is paused. And so it continues. Fragments of a complete process of discussion that takes place over a series of weeks. Minds changing, new proposals, rejected ideas until a solution presents itself that everyone is happy with. It’s not linear, or straight-forward in a product driven, capitalist framework. It is relationally centred and brings us closer together as human beings, making space for each other’s thoughts, feelings and ideas and giving each other space to consider and review and commit whole heartedly. It’s about how we unschool together as a family.
It might be messy… it definitely is chaotic, but we’re committed to this journey of radical acceptance – for our children, and for ourselves. Unschooling isn’t about creating the “perfect” learning environment. It’s about creating a loving environment where everyone – parents included – can truly be themselves.
Want to delve deeper?
Listen to the Unschooling Conversations podcast: Season 3 Episode
Unschooling Ourselves: Doing Things Differently
with Amanda Diekman
Remember: You have worth and are valuable.
